Broken Dreams
by Misha Schmidt
Summary: Seventeen year old Kendall Knight is living with a broken dream. After moving to Minnesota with his mom in hopes of reliving his dream, he is instantly drawn to the school whore, James Diamond who seems hell-bent on making his life miserable. But soon Kendall realizes that maybe... maybe James is broken too. Kendall/James AU Co-written with Wynter-Solstice
1. Chapter 1

**Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: _Another_ story? Truth is, I had this one written for so long, I just decided to post it.**

**I need to do a little explaining before you read ;) First, Kendall's dad is pretty freaking famous, his name is Brennan Knight (my BFF Wynter-Solstice has a huge crush on our Bio teacher, and his name is Brennan, so I decided to use it to tease her lol) and he's like a single version of The Wanted. Like, he's a singer, and all his songs are going to be The Wanted songs. And ya, I don't flipping own the song used. And Kendall's bilingual (French & English), and Canadian, and his best friend is his mom :) Aww...**

**Anyway, I really hope you like this as much as I do :D**

**Broken Dreams**

_You don't wait for your dreams to happen. You MAKE them happen." - Kendall Schmidt._

Kendall wakes up, momentarily wincing at the harsh sunlight streaming in through his windows. For a moment he wonders where he is, then he remembers.

_Minnesota._

He groans. He's moved from Canada just a week ago, and he already _hates_ Minnesota. Being Canadian, he speaks both French and English fluently, but he prefers French. And that is another thing he hates about Minnesota. He has to speak English _all the time._ Ugh.

He throws the covers off his body and stretches. He is exhausted, and today being the first day he started at his new school doesn't help at all. He puts on his glasses and pads out of his bedroom, and seeing his mother in the kitchen, he plops down on the stool by the counter.

'Bonjour mama,' he says, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

'Morning dear,' she responds kissing him on his forehead, then rushing back to finish breakfast. 'Why are you up so early? Can't wait to start your new school today?' She smiles at him and he groans again.

'Nooo. The blasted sun woke me up,' he mutters. 'What're you making?'

'Pancakes and eggs. What do you want?' She takes a plate out of the cupboard.

'Doesn't matter. Just get me something to eat,' he says, his stomach growling as he fought to stay awake.

After he eats breakfast, he goes to bathe and get ready. Drying himself, he throws open the cupboard door and sifts through his clothes. He isn't in Canada anymore, so he doesn't know what the hell to wear. He pulls out a green leather jacket, white jersey and blue jeans. It is simple, and the green brings out his eyes.

He stands in front of his mirror, staring. He knows that he isn't perfect, but he is happy with his body, he is happy just the way he is.

Yet, if there is one thing that Kendall hates about himself, though, it is his eyes. He detests the colour; he has inherited it from his father. The man who had deserted them, taking Katie with him. Kendall shudders, and his fists clench and for a moment he sees fire smouldering in the depths of his eyes. Memories rush back at him, faster than he expects.

_Flashback_

_..._

_Fifteen year old Kendall walked slowly up the path to his house. His house was humongous, a result of his father rising to fame just a few months before._

_The only thing odd about the house is the fact that smoke is curling from the chimney, into the slowly-darkening sky. Kendall frowns, but doesn't bother to waste time thinking about it. He'd just returned home from his music class, and he had his guitar strung on his back, as he opened the door to enter the mansion._

_He loved music, but he'd always preferred art. His father had already planned out Kendall's future for him, and if that doesn't make Kendall mad, he doesn't know what did. His mother always stood up for him, but there were some things you just can't change._

_He walked up to his room, with no sign of his parents or Katie. There was a smell of burning charcoal in the air, but Kendall just assumed that the cook was making barbeque. When he entered the room, a smile broke across his face. He can't help it. Always seeing his room put him in a somewhat cheerful mood. He'd designed it himself. The walls were painted black, with silver splashes across it, and amidst the silver, there were gold smileys._

_Kendall placed his guitar down, next to his piano and violin, and walked over to the far end of the room where his table was._

_If there was one thing he loved the most in the world (besides art), it was his table. His father had it custom-made for him for his twelfth birthday, and he loved it to death._

_It was simple, a slab of wood resting on four pedestals, each one shaped differently. There were two music notes, a crotchet and a quaver, and a paintbrush, and one of those things that artists used to put paint in long ago._

_There were secret compartments in each one, and that was what Kendall loved most about the table. It thrilled him whenever he found a new one. He doesn't know what was so special about the table, but he loved it._

_When he reached over to the table, he sat in the chair, and pulls shifted through the papers that were stacked neatly on the side of his desk, looking for the folder with his drawings, the drawings that he'd collected since he was able to hold a pen._

_There was no folder._

_Kendall's body was rigid, he froze, his fingers became numb, and his throat dry. The scent that had been wafting through the house came back to him._

_Burning charcoal._

_Most of his drawings were done with a stick of charcoal. That is the best thing for shading and outlines. His heart pounded in his chest, and he felt cold as he ran down the stairs, two at a time._

_When he reached the living room, in the fire, he could see his folder there, amongst the flames._

_He choked, and the scream that came from him is deafening. He raced towards the fireplace. His hands were just inched away from the fire, when he felt a pair of strong arms wrap around him._

_He turned and found himself buried in his mother's hair. He began to cry, it is almost as if his soul is being burnt. Every feeling he had, every indescribably experience, every beautiful view is there, in the flames, all his hard work, over a thousand drawings and paintings._

_All because his father wanted him to be a fucking musician, he had to destroy Kendall's dreams._

_He could feel his mother shaking; he knew that she is crying too. His father is a dream destroyer._

_Now all Kendall had is a broken dream._

_..._

_End Flashback._

He hates his father. He hates everything that reminds him of his father.

His father had forced him to do music, when he obviously prefers art. He'd taken away Kendall's sketchpads, pencils, pastels, anything that had to do with art and burnt them, telling his son that he _had_ to do music, just so that _his _musical 'reputation' wouldn't be spoiled by a son that loved art. His father had left him, broken his mother's heart, and he had stolen Katie from them.

Kendall looks down at his glasses on the night stand. He doesn't mind wearing them, but after what has happened, he doesn't want to see those eyes staring back at him ever again. He rummages through his drawer and pulls out the container that has his extra pair of contacts in it.

He carefully puts them on, and is satisfied. Now his eyes are hazel. Perfect.

Now he has nothing to remind him of that devil. He glances down at his hands; they are still trembling with rage. He stalks over to his desk and yanks open the top drawer, pulling out his sketchpad and a pencil. Sitting down, he begins to sketch, his usually light lines now thick and dark with fury.

Drawing is his way of getting out anger, and he can feel passion flowing through the pencil as he moves it back and forth on the page. His shoulders begin to relax and when he is done, he looks at what he has drawn.

It is his table, the one he'd loved.

But instead of reassuring him, it is just _there_, mocking him, mocking his life, mocking everything he is, mocking how his father had won and he has lost.

He grabs the paper and rips it up into shreds. There are times he loved his talent, other times, he detested it. He runs his shaky fingers through his hair, before getting up.

Pushing all thoughts out of his mind, he leaves the room, the pieces of paper still floating aimlessly on his desk.

...

'Now, Mr. Knight, here's your schedule. Do you want someone to show you around the school, or not?'

Kendall smiles at the woman. Her name tag reads 'Ms. Shirley-Ann Hunter'. 'I'll rather do that by myself, Ms. Hunter.'

She gives him a sweet smile. 'And welcome to this school.'

The smile never leaves his face as he walks out the office- and crashes into someone. Panic fills Kendall as papers and books fall to the ground.

'Oh mon Dieu, je suis tellement désolé! [1],' Kendall says rapidly, as fear races through him, and he is afraid that he's knocked down someone who might beat him up.

'Non non, ce n'est pas grave.' [2]

Kendall's head shoots up. In the flurry of emotion, he doesn't realize that he's spoken in French, and the shock that the boy actually understood him must have shown on his face, because he blushes, and, grabbing up his books, he hurries away.

Kendall smiles and shakes his head. That is the shyest person he's ever seen. He gathers up his papers and searches through them, looking for his timetable.

Instead of finding his timetable, though, he finds a bunch of papers clipped together, and the front page has 'The Real Meaning behind the Roman Revolution by Phillip Mitchell.'

He frowns then curses softly under his breath. He looks around for the boy, but he is nowhere to be seen.

Now Kendall doesn't know where to go, what subject he has first, what class he is in, he doesn't know anything.

_Wait_.

Kendall scans the sea of heads swarming around him and a guy caught his eye. Is that him? How could the dude have reached there without Kendall seeing him? Either way, it is worth a shot. He wades through the students, and, tapping the guy on the shoulder, he says, 'Hey, I think you have-'

The words die on his lips when he gets a good look at the guy's face. He looks _exactly_ like the other one, but his eyes are a different shade.

He clears his throat, holding up the bunch of papers. 'Phillip Mitchell?'

'Phillip? That's my brother. '

'Oh. Well, I ran into him just now and I picked up his 'Roman Revolution' thingy instead.'

A smile breaks across the dude's face. 'He's right...' the guy tiptoes and searches through the crowd. 'He's right over there.' He cups his hands to his face. 'Phillip!'

A few seconds later, the same guy Kendall had knocked down appears next to them, face tinting a bright red when he sees Kendall.

'Hi,' Kendall says. 'I think this is yours.' He holds up the bunch of papers. 'Do you have my timetable?'

The boy – Phillip – searches through the papers he had in his hand before pulling out Kendall's timetable and giving it to him.

'Thanks.' Kendall hands him the papers.

'So what's your name? You look familiar, like I've seen you somewhere.' The other guy, Phillip's brother asks.

Kendall frowns. That is the reaction he got from most people, and it is because of his father. But it isn't Phillip's brother fault.

'You've probably never seen me before. I'm Kendall,' he says smiling at them.

'I'm Logan,' the guy says, 'and you met Phillip already. We're twins but we're like polar opposites.'

Kendall laughs. 'What do you mean?'

'We're totally opposite! He's nerdy, I'm a delinquent, he's straight, I'm gay, he speaks about a hundred different languages, I barely know English and some French, he wears khakis, I detest khakis, he's shy, I'm not...' he stops to take a breath and Kendall realizes Phillip looks like he is trying not to laugh.

Logan puts an arm around Phillip and pulls him closer. 'But no matter what, he's still my panda-boo,' he says, pinching Phillip's cheek as the boy turned scarlet for the fifteenth time that day.

'Logan!' he whispers fiercely as if the boy has just spilled the secrets of the universe.

But Logan just laughs, and Kendall can't help but amaze at how similar they looked. He would've loved to draw them, right there, Logan's arm around Phillip, both of them with a smile on their faces. Dark lines for the outline, but for some reason Logan's would be stronger because he stood out more.

If he drew them, Phillip would meld into the background, whereas Logan would stand out. Kendall's fingers itches for a canvas and pencils, but just then the bell rings.

'Let me see your timetable,' Logan says gesturing to Kendall's folder. Kendall pulls it out and handed it to him.

'Awesome!' he says as he scans the paper. 'We're in the same class most of the day! You have French first. Let's go.'

'Wait,' Kendall says. 'I need to find my locker.' He tells Logan the number, and he finds it with ease.

Then he follows Logan to the class.

...

'Um, hi. I'm Kendall Knight, I'm seventeen, I moved here from Canada, and I speak both French and English pretty well. Um...' Kendall looks over to the teacher who had said her name is Ms. Collins, before she'd told him to introduce himself to the class.

She smiles at him. 'Thank you, Kendall. You may take a seat.'

Kendall looks up and sees Logan beckoning him to a seat next to him. He walks to it and sits down.

'Why do you take French if you could speak French?' Logan asks him, leaning back in his chair.

Kendall raises an eyebrow. 'Why do you do English if you speak English?'

Logan smiles. 'Touché.'

Kendall snickers and is about to respond when the door bangs open.

'Late again, Mr. Diamond?' Ms. Collins says without looking up from whatever she is doing on her table.

'Sorry, miss. Got caught up in... _business_,' he says, and a few students snicker.

Logan leans over to Kendall. 'That probably means he is making out with some random girl in his car.' He nods towards the boy. 'That's James Diamond. The school whore. Breaks hearts for a living.'

Logan continues speaking, but Kendall barely hears him. He is staring at the boy. He is _beautiful._ He can't stop staring at his angular facial structure, the curve of his neck, how his hair curled at the edges, how his hazel eyes... are staring at him angrily.

Kendall blinks out of his catatonic state as the boy strides over to him and stands in front of his desk.

'Why are you in my seat?' he growls.

Kendall frowns. The boy can't be _seriously_ talking to him.

What did Logan say his name is? _That's James Diamond. The school whore. Breaks hearts for a living._ With looks like that, Kendall doesn't doubt that for one second.

'Excuse me?' Kendall says. He gets up, looking down at the seat, then watches the boy, matching his glare perfectly. 'Sorry. I don't see your name on the chair anywhere. And if it's not there, then it's obviously not _your_ seat, now is it?'

James' eyes narrows so that strips of hazel are showing. 'Listen here-'

He is interrupted by Ms. Collins. 'Excuse me boys, is there a problem?' She comes up behind James.

Kendall stares at James a while longer, trying to figure out how someone so beautiful could act so bitchy. He's barely been in the school for two hours and he's already made an enemy...who is_hot_.

James glares at him, throat working before he turns to Ms. Collins. 'No worries, Ms. Collins. I can get another seat.'

He glances back at Kendall, who shoots him a sweet smile and wiggles his fingers towards him, as if to say, '_I win_.'

Kendall has a feeling that by the intense look of hatred James sends towards him, a fight would have broken out there, if Ms. Collins isn't in their presence. Not that he minds. He hates people who tries to force him to do anything.

'Then find a seat quickly. Class is about to start.' Ms Collins says before returning to her desk.

Kendall sits back down and James walks to a seat on the other side of the class.

'Dude,' Logan says, 'what was that all about?'

Kendall shrugs. 'I hate people who try to push me around.'

Logan is going to respond when Ms Collins stands up and begins class. Kendall pulls out his new notebook and stares at the blank page.

His little face-off with James has left him with more bottled-up emotions than he expected, and he needs to find a way of getting rid of them.

His fingers itch to draw, something, _anything._ He pulls out a pencil and begins to sketch; not really knowing what would be the result.

It is always the same when he is mad. He never knows what he is gonna draw. He just drew, lines appearing on the page, shading and colouring, as Ms. Collins teaches the future tense in French, but he knows all of that already, so he ignores her.

He isn't aware that he is finished, but as soon as the pencil left the page, the book is snatched up by a gaping Logan. His mouth hangs open, and his eyes are wide. 'This is so freaking epic!'

Kendall rolls his eyes, but can't help but feel proud. _At least _someone_appreciates my talent_.

'Do you take Art here? You should! This is so freaking cool!' Logan gushes as a wave of remorse rises up in Kendall.

He swallows it and frowns. 'No. I can't do Art for finals here because I doesn't do it in my last school. I did music.' He bites his lip to prevent himself from elaboration. _I was _forced_to do music._

Logan frowns, but doesn't press further. 'But... why did you draw James?'

'What?!' Kendall freaks, snatching up the book from Logan's hands. It _is_ a picture of James.

It is beautiful, as beautiful a black and white sketch could be, but it isn't _perfect_. He didn't get the shape of his face quite right, or the hair. As an artist, he knows that his drawings can't be perfect.

_But James is perfect_. The thought enters his mind and he quickly pushes it away. What is that supposed to mean? He did _not_ like that spoiled brat whore, and he never will.

He closes the book and runs his hands through his hair in frustration. He looks up and sees the smug bastard smirking at him, and it is almost as if he knows what Kendall is thinking. Kendall looks away quickly.

'Mr. Knight?' Ms. Collins calls out and he looks up, grateful for the distraction. 'Can you translate this for us please?' She points at the board.

He frowns. Is she mocking him? Without hesitation, he translates it easily and perfectly, and Ms. Collins looks impressed. It is obvious that when he'd says that he speaks French, she didn't believe him, or at least thought that he couldn't speak it well.

'Très bien,' she says and Kendall looks over involuntarily at James who is staring at him in... Wonder? Amusement? Hatred? His face is unreadable, yet Kendall has to keep creating one phrase over and over in his head.

_James Diamond is NOT hot._

...

'So that group over there is called 'Team Bitches' as I like to call them,' Logan says gesturing over to a table with a group people. It is time for lunch and the tables are being filled pretty quickly. Kendall glances over to the group and isn't surprised to see James there, and even less surprising, he is making out with a dude.

'The one he's making out with is Dak, the other's Jett, and blondie next to James is his on-and-off girlfriend Jo,' Logan states and Kendall frowns.

'What about the other one? The Latino guy who looks like he's drunk?'

To Kendall's surprise, Logan blushes. Phillip speaks up. 'That's Carlos. Logan's got a crush on him.'

Kendall looks over at Logan who is currently staring at the Latino dreamily.

'Logan!' he says, snapping his fingers in front of the boy's face. The boy snaps out of his dreamy state and looks over at Kendall, blushing.

'Sorry, he's just so hot,' Logan says, 'And besides, Kendall, it's not as if you don't do a bit of ogling yourself.'

Now it is Kendall's turn to blush. 'I do _not_ 'ogle' at James!'

Logan laughs. 'That's funny, cause I never says that you ogle at James, you just told me that you did.'

Kendall groans as Logan continues. 'And besides you drew him in French. You doesn't throw it away, did you? Cuz you _have _to show Phillip! It's really cool.'

'Thanks,' Kendall says, and they sit there in silence for a while, eating, before Kendall decides to break the quiet.

'Tell me about James. Is he always like that?'

Logan raises an eyebrow and shares a look with Phillip, before turning back to a confused Kendall. 'James isn't always bitchy. He is kind of quiet, but he loved music. Everyone could see it, the passion he had, when he sang, it is like angels had kissed his voice.'

Phillip coughs, and it sounds as if he is trying to cover up his laughter. Logan frowns at him and continues. 'We were really close once, but one day, he just became mega-bitchy. I tried to talk to him about it, but he just brushed me off, saying that he is just going through some things in his life, and he'd be nicer soon.' Logan bites his lip and glances at Phillip who gives him a subtle shake of the head.

He sighs, and Kendall has the feeling that there is something that he isn't telling him. 'But he never got back nicer. He had changed completely. He even stopped singing period.'

Kendall frowns. So there _is_ something that has changed James, and suddenly felt a fierce rush of emotions toward the brunet.

'He used to have an idol, also. People would make fun of him, but he doesn't care, he used to sing his songs wherever he went, and he is obsessed with him.'

Kendall leaned forward. 'Who is that?'

'Brennan Knight.'

Time slows around Kendall as a lump formed in the back of his throat. James Diamond's idol is Kendall's father.

Logan frowns, thinking that Kendall's silence means that the boy doesn't know who Brennan Knight is.

'Do you _know_ who Brennan Knight is? I mean, you should. Because you...' Logan's voice trails off as realization suddenly dawns upon him. 'You look like him. You do.' His voice is layered with wonder and admiration.

Kendall frowns and looks away. He fights back tears that threatened to come. He doesn't even _know_ why he wants to cry. He is frustrated with everything, frustrated with his father, frustrated with James.

So many people loves his father, but all they know is The Brennan Knight. They don't know the real person behind all those songs and smiles. They don't know the father that has crushed Kendall's dreams continuously, played with Mrs. Knight's emotions by constantly bringing different women home every night. They don't know the person that Kendall knows, and hates.

He forces a smile onto his face. 'I know,' he says, and his voice crackes a little, and suddenly he wishes, not for the first time, he looks like his mother instead.

Logan peers at him some more. 'Wait. You're his _son_?'

Kendall wants the earth to swallow him whole. He _knew_ that the interview his father had forced him to do was going to destroy his life somehow. Now people know him as 'Brennan Knight's son'. It is as if he isn't Kendall Knight anymore.

Besides, what is the point of lying to Logan and Phillip? They are probably the only friends that Kendall would make in the school anyways.

So, he turns back and forces a nod. Enthusiasm built up in Logan, Kendall can see it in his eyes.

'Please don't tell anyone,' he whispers softly, and whilst Phillip nods, Logan frowns.

'Why not? Brennan Knight is so awesome, man. I love him!'

And there goes another soul.

Another soul devoted to evil itself, Brennan Knight. Kendall shakes his head and a few tears almost escape. Muttering 'I need to go to the bathroom,' he grabs up his stuff and leaves the table.

It is stupid, he thinks. Stupid and idiotic of him to judge others for loving someone they don't know.

He rubs his eyes, then, when the world went blurry in his right eye, he groans. He's forgotten about his contacts completely. He walks in to the bathroom.

...

Kendall blinks a few times after he takes out his contacts, and then groans again. He's forgotten the solution to clean them. And if he puts them back on, they'll itch. He throws them into the dustbin and pulls out his glasses from his pocket. He always has them there just in case of an emergency. Keeping his eyes away from the mirror, he washes his hands and walks out the room... and knocks into someone.

_Not again._

Kendall groans inwardly, but secretly hopes that it is Phillip again, and not anyone he doesn't know. He doesn't know if he could stand some bitch yelling at him right now.

All hopes are dashed when he hears the person swearing fluently, and as he looks up, his heart sinks.

It is James.

He is holding a slushi, which is half-empty... and the other half is plastered all over his white shirt.

_Fuck._

James looks at him, his eyes shooting daggers of hatred toward Kendall before he stomps off to the bathroom. Kendall frowns. He doesn't know what he expected, but it certainly isn't that.

He shrugs it off, and is about to walk away before guilt nags at him. He's ruined the guy's shirt. Maybe he should check up on him to make sure he isn't dying of hypothermia because of that ice slushi.

Kendall sighs and goes back to the bathroom. There he finds James with his shirt off; instead it is fisted in his hand. Kendall swallows, hard as he saw those hard washboard abs. He looks away.

'Um... hey,' he says softly.

James slams his fist against the tiles of the counter top. He stays that way for a while, head bent, before he looks up. 'What do you want?'

Kendall is taken aback by his harsh tone. 'Um... I just wanted to say that I'm sorry...' His voice trails off.

'Now you've says you're sorry. What do you want now?'

Kendall frowns. He's just apologized to him, and the guy is _still_ being a dickhead? 'What's your problem? I came to _help_ you. Can't you stop being an asshat for one second?'

'Asshat?' James snorts. 'Well, Sherlock, what do you have in mind? So I wouldn't have to walk around the school half-naked?'

Kendall raises an eyebrow. 'I thought you _liked _being naked.'

James folds his arms. 'I like being _naked_ when the person in the same room is ready to fuck me.'

'So I guess this is a change for you, huh?' Kendall says, looking everywhere but at James' biceps which are hugely distracting.

His eyes narrows. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

'It _means_ that I'm probably the first person who isn't falling all over you. Why are you here, anyways? Shouldn't you be fucking that guy you were making out with?'

James stares at him. 'I'm _here_ because some idiot knocked into me and not only ruined my shirt, but is apparently planning to leave me half-naked for the rest of the day.'

Kendall leans against the wall, noting that James doesn't answer the second question. 'I never said I isn't planning to leave you here. Why don't you go home and change?'

James dashes his shirt on the counter and sighs, running his hands through his hair. 'Can't. I have music next. It's the only class I actually do well in.'

'Well...' Kendall looks around, suddenly glad that no one else is in the bathroom. 'Um... Do you want to exchange shirts? I have a white jersey on under this jacket... and I could wear yours?'

James laughs. He tosses the shirt over to Kendall. 'Have fun jacking off on it tonight.'

Kendal growls as he catches it. 'You are fucking _unbelievable_.'

He takes off his glasses then unzips his jacket and pulls off his shirt. He has a toned body, but he isn't as fit as James. He looks up to find James staring at him.

'You... You look just like...' Kendall raises an eyebrow as James stares at him in wonder, not at his body, but at his contacts-free, glasses-free face. James whips out his phone and begins typing furiously. A few seconds later he is holding up his phone by Kendall's face, his mouth open in astonishment.

From the corner of his eye, Kendall could see that it is a picture of him and his dad, when he had some interview.

'You're Brennan Knight's _son_!' James exclaims. There is amazement in his voice, and Kendall can hear Logan's voice in his head. _He used to have an idol, also. People would make fun of him, but he doesn't care, he used to sing his songs wherever he went, and he is obsessed with him._

'Amazing what you can find out in a few minutes with technology nowadays, huh?' Kendall says, and moves away from James and pulls the guy's shirt over his head. The material is freezing against his skin, but he guesses that's what he gets for trying to be nice to a dickwad.

James puts away his phone. 'So, um... where's your dad?'

Kendall shrugs his jacket it on. 'I don't know. Maybe fucking some poor chick. Or continuously pretending he's the best person ever. Either way, I don't _want_ to know and I don't care.' He zips up the jacket. 'Put on the shirt quickly. Bell is going to ring just now.'

James frowns, before a smile spread across his face. 'Can I fuck you?'

Kendall is caught completely off-guard. '_What_?'

'That way I can tell everyone I fucked Brennan Knight's son!' James grins at him, and Kendall feels tears prick at the back of his eyes.

He is finally having a normal conversation with the brunet, and now the jackass has to go and pull _this_. What did he think Kendall is? A cheap skank?

Rage fills Kendall and he slaps James across the cheek, his insides feeling as cold as the shirt he has on. James staggers back, a hand against his cheek as Kendall whirls and stomps out the bathroom.

_Fucking Diamond._

...

Kendall enters the music room a little cautiously. He had almost died when he'd seen that he had Music next. Knowing that James would be here, he keeps his head facing the ground. Logan had said that he had most of the classes with him today, but Music is the only class he didn't have with Kendall.

'Welcome Mr. Knight.' A voice echoes through the room, and he looks up to see a man with round glasses looking at him. 'Have a seat.'

Kendall immediately walks over to a seat in the far end of the classroom.

'Okay, so today we're doing something totally new. You'll be choosing a song from this bag, and you're gonna sing it for us. I chose songs from singers that you told me you knew. Singers like Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, One Direction and Brennan Knight. There are a few others as well. The song you pick, the words are going to be shown on the screen at the back of the class, and I'll provide the music. This is going to be done at least once a week, so your vocal chords would get accustomed to singing a lot.'

Kendall groans and sinks down in his seat. He just _knows_ he is going to get one by his father.

'Kendall?' His head shoots up. 'You're first.' He gets up and slowly walks over to the bag. He rummages around in the bag before pulling out a slip of paper, and when he pulls it out, his heart drops to his toes.

_'Lose My Mind' by Brennan Knight._

Kendall frowns, as he shows the teacher his slip of paper. He smiles. 'Ah. And I've heard from the principal that Brennan Knight's your father, no? Now go make him proud.'

Kendall gets that feeling again, that feeling where he just wants to cry, and rip up his father into pieces. He doesn't have to be doing this; he could be in Art class painting pictures of fruit bowls.

He stands on the stage at the front of the classroom, pushing his glasses up his nose, as he squints at the words in the back of class. He doesn't need it really; he has spent enough time around his father to know the words to all his songs.

The music begins and Kendall sings.

...

James sits there, in a pool of self-hatred. The boy is already so nice to him, and he just continuously bitches him out.

He looks at the blond as he stood on the stage. Somehow, he seems out of place, like he doesn't belong there. But when the blond begins to sing, James is melting.

_They say that time_  
_Heals everything_  
_But they don't know you_  
_And the scars you bring_

_'Cos you left a jagged hole_  
_And I can't stand it anymore_

_If heartache is a physical pain_  
_I could face it I could face it_  
_But you're hurting me _  
_From inside of my head_  
_I can't take it I can't take it_

_I'm gonna lose my mind_  
_I'm gonna lose my mind_

Though the blond isn't looking at him, James has the feeling those words are directed at him. James is the only one so far who is a total asshole to the blond. But yet it seems as if he is also directing it at someone else. But who?

_I'd erase my thoughts_  
_If only I knew how_  
_Fill my head with white noise_  
_If it would drown you out_  
_Kill the sound_

_If heartache is a physical pain_  
_I could face it I could face it_  
_But you're hurting me _  
_From inside of my head_  
_I can't take it I can't take it_

_I'm gonna lose my mind_  
_I'm gonna lose my mind_

Kendall keeps his eyes trained on the screen. He is directing these words to the two major assholes in his life, his father, and James.

_And I'd rather be crazy_

_I'd rather go insane_

_Than having you stalk _  
_My every thought_  
_Then having you here inside my heart_

Why is Kendall affecting him like this? James feels tears prick at the back of his eyes. Why is he such a dick to the blond? Does he have a real reason? He did. He has the most sensible reason, and it isn't because Kendall is Brennan Knight's son. James bites his lip and tears his eyes away from Kendall's form, letting the music wash over him. If only he could change his entire life, he'd be so much nicer to the blonde. But he can't. He just _can't._

_If heartache is a physical pain_  
_I could face it I could face it_  
_But you're hurting me _  
_From inside of my head_  
_I can't take it I can't take it_

_I'm gonna lose my mind_  
_I'm gonna lose my mind_

Kendall's voice echoes throughout the room. His classmates are staring at him with wonder, and he likes to think that he is using the words and the music to paint a picture. Because, for Kendall, everything is about art.

James feels horrible and sick. Kendall meets his eyes whilst he is singing the chorus and all James wants to do is run to him and tell him everything, the reason behind his bitchiness, the reason he is like this. He wants to hold Kendall in his arms and hear the blonde tell him that it would be alright, even though he knows it wouldn't be.

The music dies off, and the room is dead silent, and you can hear a pin drop. Then, the clapping starts, before it grows to a full on applause. Hooting and whistles echoes through the room.

'Very good. You took after your father, I see.'

But that seems like the worst thing for the teacher to tell Kendall. James can see something break in Kendall, his shoulders slump slightly, and his face dropps.

Kendall fights the urge to cry. He just wants to run out of the room and kill his father for ruining his life.

He will be forever known as _Brennan Knight's son_.

...

'I hate my life,' Kendall groans as he flips through the channels on the television. After Music class, he survived the last class by avoiding James, and concentrating fully on whatever the hell the teacher is saying.

'Why would you say that?' Kendall's mother says, coming over and sitting next to him.

Kendall sighs. 'I want to do art, mom! Today in Music class, I had to sing in front of the class, and all the teacher could tell me is that I took after my father! I hate him so much right now. He's ruining my life!'

'Kendall, I love you, and I respect your decision to become an artist, but you have to be rational. Is there much money in that? Maybe becoming a musician is the better choice, and you could always be an artist on the side. But the amazing thing about being a teenager is that you don't have to make that choice _now_. Wait a little, see if you make your friends realize that you're more than just a celebrity's son, and always reach for your dreams. Join an art club, do _something_ that would help you, so that if you need any references later, you'll have it. Okay, darling,' she says, rubbing his back.

Kendall smiles. 'Thanks mom.'

Ms. Knight gets up from the chair and brings over a thin booklet that is on the counter. 'Now, on to more fun stuff. Here's the list of paints and their colours from the hardware. I know you'll want to decorate your room, so take your time and choose the colours.'

'Thanks mom!' Kendall says again, jumping up and hugging her. 'You're the best.'

Kendall sits back down, and, the TV long forgotten, his thoughts whirl as he sees the different colours, already forming a pattern in his head. Totally immersed in the book, he jumps about half a mile in the air when he hears his mother speak again.

'I forgot to tell you, Kendall,' she says, a smile on her face. 'I got the job at the branch of my old business here.'

Kendall smiles happily. 'What position did you get?'

'CEO,' she says grinning. Kendall's eyes bugs, and he flies over to his mother, grabbing her in a large hug.

'Congrats mom!' He says, feeling proud of her.

He bites his lip before he remembered something he wants to ask her. 'Mom, how many empty rooms are there upstairs?'

She frowns. 'There are two, and I'm using one as a guest room, and I'm not sure what the other one's for yet.'

'Can I get it? If I could have an Art room, where I could just paint all the time...' he trails off, hope igniting in his eyes.

She nods, smiling at him. 'Of course you can, baby.'

Kendall kisses her on the cheek, thanking her, because, to him, she is the best thing in the world.

...

Kendall tosses in his bed, unable to sleep. His mind is haunted with his father, and to some extent, beautiful hazel eyes.

He groans and gets up, looking at the time. It is two in the morning. He can't fucking sleep and he is tired. He used to have insomnia when he is younger, and now it is coming back with full force.

He sighs and sits by his desk, and drawing pictures until the morning came.

**[1] Oh** **mon Dieu, je suis tellement désolé! – Oh my God, I am so sorry!**

**[2] Non non, ce n'est pas grave – No, no, it's okay**

**This is the longest chapter I've ever written :P Did you like it? Please tell me what you think. And yep, James has a big secret, but it's gonna be revealed in the next chapter ^.^**

**Love, Chelzixx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys :) Okay, there are two things about this chapter: 1, I rushed it down and it was supposed to be longer than this, and 2. I didn't read it over, so sorry for any mistakes.**

**Thank guys for the reviews, and I hope you like & review this chapter too! I love all of u!**

_Let go of the past and go for the future. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined. – Henry David Thoreau. _

James groans as he gets up from his bed. Stretching, he passes a hand through his hair and across his face. What time is it? He searches for his phone, flipping over the covers on his bed, looking under his pillow.

Then he freezes. There is a dark spot on his bed that looks like-

_Blood._

Memories rush back at James, ones he's tried to keep bottled up for so long, the memories of old James, the one who loved music, the one who had high hopes for himself, the one who had a _dream_. But it was all crushed that one day, the one day that is forever embedded in his mind.

_Flashback_

_James sat in the hospital hall, waiting patiently for the doctor to come out and tell him what the hell was wrong with him. After waking up with pants filled with blood, and looking paler than a vampire, James was worried sick about himself. There was no one who he could call, no real friend, his mother was dead, and his father was a bastard who didn't even care about him anymore. He had no siblings, and he'd lost all contact with any relatives. He was all alone._

_'James Diamond?' he looked up, positive that his eyes were rimmed red. The doctor frowns. 'Did you stay here for the past three hours?' James nodded. 'Well come in then.'_

_James stood, and followed the doctor into his office. 'What's wrong with me, Doctor?' he asked, his heart pounding._

_'I've run some tests, Mr. Diamond, and it turns out that you have an autoimmune disorder known as Neglis Aplastic Anemia. Basically it causes the immune system to attack the red blood cells in the bone marrow.'_

_James frowns. 'What does that mean?'_

_'It causes a depletion of red blood cells, which would cause depletion in platelets and white blood cells also. The best cure for this is a bone marrow transplant.'_

_'And what would happen if I don't get the transplant?'_

_'Not getting the transplant can be fatal. All you need is a blood donor, and we can replace the bone marrow, and there's a chance the bone marrow would continue making the good blood cells.'_

_Time slowed for James. Basically the doctor was telling him that he was dying, because his immune system was stupid._

_'But we have two problems, Mr. Diamond,' the doctor continued. 'One, you have O negative blood, which, in order to replace it would have to be O negative, which is very rare. And second, the transplant is very costly, and we would need an adult's permission to perform it, since you're underage.'_

_James said nothing. The world was weighing down on him, and he didn't know what to do. He nodded numbly, ignoring the look of sympathy the doctor was giving him._

_'And one more thing. Try not to over exert yourself, okay? Don't run too much and don't exercise too much. Do you sing?'_

_James nodded, hoping and praying the doctor wasn't going to say what he was thinking. _

_'Then you have to sing a lot less. Most people don't realize, but singing makes you breathe a lot more, you have to take deep breaths, and that wouldn't be good for you, especially since you can't use up too much of the oxygen in your body due the depletion of blood cells. Okay, James?'_

_'Not... sing?' James choked out, unable to process what the doctor had just said. _

_'Negli's a killer, James. It robs the body of its ability to transport oxygen. No singing, no over-exercising other than your usual routine, don't run a lot, just don't overexert yourself, okay James?'_

_James didn't react._

_No singing. James couldn't sing. _

_To James, that was worse than the prospect of dying._

_He walked out the hospital, numb and emotionless, all the way to his house, to his bedroom, where he sat down, and stared at the wall opposite him._

_What was he going to do now? Suddenly a random lyric from Young the Giant's song came to him._

_Life's too short to even care at all._

_And James' life had just gotten shorter._

_..._

After that day, James made a resolution to forget everything, forget his dreams, and just throw himself into life.

He fucked everything that had two legs and walked; he drank almost every night and partied hard.

YOLO, right?

James didn't care anymore. No one loves him, no one cares about him. He just wants to live life to the fullest. He was going to die anyway. He didn't want to fall in love, or anyone to fall in love with him. He didn't want to get caught up with anyone. He had lost all his reason to live. He just wanted to waste his life away.

But stupid Kendall had to come along to ruin his plans. When he saw Kendall, it was almost like love at first sight for him. James had pushed it away, but stupid, _idiotic_ Kendall had to stand up to him, be nice to him, then on top of all of that, he had to have the most angelic voice ever. _And_ he had to be Brennan Knight's son.

Stupid Kendall.

He just couldn't fall for Kendall.

More for Kendall's sake than his.

...

'Hey babe,' James says to Jo as he walks up to her and plants a kiss on her forehead.

Jo smiles at him, and is about to respond when a loud shout comes from behind him.

'Yo, Jam-ez!'

James turns with a smile. 'Hi, Dak.'

The boy bounces up to them with a large smile on his face. 'Dude, did you know that the Knight kid is _The _Brennan Knight's son?'

James frowns. Did everyone know already? Judging from Kendall's reaction the day before in Music, when Mr. Parker congratulated him, he probably wanted to hide in a hole now.

'Really?' Jo says, eyes wide. 'Coming to think of it, he does look like him.'

Dak shrugs. 'Anyway, I wanted to ditch first period, go and do something fun. You in?' He asks Jo and James.

Jo nods. Just then, Kendall walks through the door, Starbucks in his hand. 'You know what Dak? I'll catch up with you. Go ahead.'

Dak frowns but Jo pulls him away to wherever the hell they were going.

James walks up to Kendall. 'Hey, Knight.'

Kendall frowns and rubbed his temple with his free hand. 'Not now, James. I'm not in the mood for any of your shit right now.'

'Ooh, sassy Kendall. You know-'

'Aren't you supposed to be with Slut Brunet and Slut Blondie?'

James frowns, confused, before realization dawned. 'Dak and Jo? No, they went off to fuck each other while I'm here trying to be nice to you.'

Kendall sighs and leans against a locker, bending his head down to cover his eyes. 'What do you want, James?'

_I want to see your eyes._

James starts, wondering where that thought came from. He quickly pushes it away. 'I want to fuck you, but since you're not putting out, I'm trying to woo you in with my beauty. Is it working?'

Kendall's fists clench, and for the first time, he meet James' eyes. James is shocked to see dark spots under the boy's eyes, and his green eyes look tired and angry. 'Just leave me alone, James.'

'I'm afraid I'm behind niceties,' James says. _Be mean. Be mean. _He repeats over and over in his head.

Kendall shakes his head in frustration and walks around James, before he felt a hand on his arm.

'Look, Kendall, I'm sorry, okay?'

A smile tugs at Kendall's lips. 'You are?'

James groans internally. What had happened to _be mean_? 'Yeah,' he says, smirking. 'I'm sorry you didn't I fuck you.'

Kendall looks up and his eyes are shining. He yanks his arm away from James' hand. 'And for once I thought you had a heart. Be bitchy to the new kid? Is that it? Or is it that you're too fucking spoiled and you must get everything you want? I try to be nice to you, and this is how you repay me? You _bitch_.' He says coldly.

As he turns and walks away, James is speechless. But at least his work is done. Kendall hates him, right?

Then he realized why Kendall's eyes were shining. It was because he wanted to cry.

'I'm sorry,' he says, this time meaning it. But it is too late. Kendall was already gone.

...

Kendall slams his fist into his locker as a few tears escaped. Fucking James with his stupid fucking eyes, his fucking hair, his fucking lips that Kendall wanted to kiss- Whoa.

Where did that come from? Kendall didn't want to kiss James... did he? He just thinks the brunet is hot and sexy, nothing else. He wipes the tears away quickly.

'Hey, Kendall!' a cheery voice came says behind him, and he turns to see Logan coming up behind him, a huge smile on his face.

'Hey Logan. Where's your other half?' Kendall says, Logan's addictive smile getting to him, and he grins, for the first time this morning.

Logan hooks a thumb in his jeans. 'He's coming, with his usual pile of notes and books. Y'know, nerd stuff.'

Just as he said that, a loud thump comes from behind Logan, and Kendall looks over the boy's shoulder, his eyes wide.

Phillip is on the ground, all his books and papers scattered, and James, Jett and a whole bunch of other students are pointing at him and laughing.

Logan mutters a curse under his breath, and storms off to meet his brother, Kendall at his heels. But, to his surprise, he passes Phillip, going up to James, and begins to yell at him.

Kendall looks down at Phillip, surprised to see that someone is already helping him up, and gathering his books for him. It is Carlos. Kendall races to Phillip, wrapping a hand around the boy's shoulders protectively. 'Stay away from him, Carlos. You know that it's you and your friends' fault for tripping him.'

He glares at the brunet who frowns. 'Hell no it isn't. I have nothing to do with James and Jett's shit.' He holds out the books in his hand, smiling up at Phillip. 'It's Logan, right?'

Phillip shakes his head, his eyes cast down. 'P-Phillip.'

Is it just Kendall or is there disappointment in Carlos' eyes? He shakes it off. Carlos smiles one last time, before sauntering off.

Kendall looks over at Phillip. 'Hey, are you okay?'

Phillip nods slowly, but Kendall didn't miss the small tear that escaped. He bites his lip, wishing Logan could come and take care of his brother. He steals a glance over to James' direction, where Logan is currently. Kendall could hear snippets of what Logan is saying in his low-threatening voice.

'-after everything we've been through, you pull this shit, James? Don't ever do that again or else I will fuck you up.'

Kendall could see the smug look on James' face. 'Maybe I want you to, Logie Bear.'

Logan turns scarlet. 'Don't you _dare _fucking call me that again,' he hisses. 'And pull this off again and I will shave your hair off in your sleep, okay?'

Terror actually flits across James' face, and his eyes widens. It is gone as soon as it came, but Logan has already strutted away, coming over to Phillip, to comfort him.

Kendall briefly meets James' eyes before turning away, but it answers one question that had been rotating in his head. Why did he do that?

The answer is simple. He wants to hurt Kendall.

...

Phillip enters the lunch room a little cautiously, flanked by Kendall and Logan. He swallows hard, as he sees the evil gazes and grins directed at him. Kendall feels his tension, and places a hand on his shoulder.

'Don't worry, Phillip,' he says, squeezing his shoulder. 'Logan and I will be here to protect you from those assholes.'

Phillip smiles gratefully at him, unable to believe that he's finally made a second friend in high school. As he sits down, he sees his first friend running at full speed towards them, and winces.

'Phillip!' a screeching voice sounds and Kendall jumps about half a mile in the air.

A girl with brown curly hair skids to a stop next to their table, pushing Logan off his chair, and sitting next to Phillip.

'Nice to see you, too, Camille,' Logan grunts as he takes a seat next to Kendall.

Camille shrugs, and turns to Phillip, a huge smile on her face. 'Phillip! Did you miss me yesterday? I couldn't come yesterday because I had to go to the doctor, you know, girl stuff. But OMG, did you hear that Brennan Knight's son is coming to this school?! Liz says that he's smoking hot, but I didn't see him yet. Did you-'

She breaks off when she, for the first time, sees Kendall sitting there, his face red. Her mouth drops open, and she turns back to Phillip, saying in a not-so-subtle way – 'Is that him?'

Phillip nods slowly and she turns back to Kendall with a smile on her face. 'Damn, you _are_ hot,' she says, and Kendall flushes again.

'So tell me about you father,' Camille says excitedly. 'What is he like? Where does he get his inspiration from? Does he like Coke or Sprite? What is he allergic to?'

The questions continue, but Phillip could see Kendall's eyes getting darker and hooded with each one.

'Camille, that's enough,' he tries to interject, but the girl ignores him.

Sometimes he wonders when he ever started liking her. It is obvious to everyone that he liked her, and she had the biggest crush on him, but he was too scared to ask her out. Scared of what? Maybe getting slapped in the face.

Phillip knows there is something that Kendall is hiding, and he didn't blame him. Everyone has their secrets. Phillip could see that Kendall is on the verge of breaking, and he had to do something fast. Kendall is his second friend ever, and he had to do something to help him.

He bites his lip. He probably isn't going to regret this, ever, but it is worth a try.

...

Kendall's eyes widen as Phillip launches himself from his seat onto Camille, kissing her harshly. He looks awkwardly at Logan, who is staring at the couple in shock.

'Finally grew some balls, huh, Phillip?' a sarcastic voice breaks through the couple's loving embrace.

Phillip draws back, his lips red and looking dazed. James is standing behind them a smirk on his face.

'What do you want, James?' Logan says, his hands balling into fists.

'Oh, nothing. Just came by to congratulate the new couple and to ask Camille to tell me if Phillip is as good as the first time I fucked her. Or any of the other five times.' He winks at her, and saunters off.

Camille is red in the face, before she whips her head around to face Phillip. 'Phil- I- I'm sorry,' she mumbles, but Phillip is shaking his head. 'Forget it, Camille. There was nothing anyways,' he says, his eyes diverted.

'Nothing?' she whispers softly, before she gets up and runs off, crying.

Kendall looks at her fleeing figure, his throat tight, not only because of all the questions about his father, but also because of James. Suddenly, he realizes why Phillip had kissed her in the first place.

'Thank you,' he says softly to Phillip, who looks up at him, his eyes broken.

He nods, acknowledging Kendall's thanks, but Kendall could see that he is hurting on the inside.

And he could do nothing to help.

...

'Fuck, Jamie~', Jo moans as she rode out on her orgasm.

He pulls out of her, panting heavily and zips up his pants. She smiles up at him, but he could still feel his heart, heavy inside his chest. All he could think about is Kendall, and he just couldn't stop.

Without saying a word to her, he walks away, leaving her fixing her clothes. Suddenly, he feels light-headed. The room spins, and all he hears is Jo's scream, before he falls to the ground, unconscious.

...

Jo is freaking out. James has just fallen to the ground, and her first reaction is _OMG JAMES IS DEAD_! But, her more sensible side makes her pull out her phone and dial Dak's number frantically.

When he answers, he sounds irritated. '_What do you want, Jo. I'm in Hawk's class. He'll have my shit if he sees me on the phone.'_

Jo didn't fucking care. 'Dak! This is important! James fainted, and I don't know what to do.'

'_What? Just throw water on him, idiot. You probably fucked him too much last night. Gotta go. Hawk is coming back.'_

Jo mentally slaps herself. How could she forget the whole splashing-water-on-people-to-wake-them-up? She walks out of the storage room, and runs into a blond guy who was passing. She knows him, he had been talking to James. Maybe he could help.

'Um, hi,' she says, to him, then suddenly remembers his name is Kendall.

He narrows his eyes, as she flips her hair over her shoulders. 'Can you help me? I have a problem.' She says, trying to get the flirtiness out of her voice, and trying to act serious.

'I'm not going to fuck you,' he says, folding his arms, and looking down on her. She fights the urge to roll her eyes.

'As tempting as that sounds, no. James fainted, and I don't know how to get him awake.'

Concern flits across his face, then disappears, but, it didn't have to take an idiot to realize that the guy likes James.

'Why should I care?'

Jo smiles smugly and steps away from the door, gesturing to it with her head. 'Because you have a crush on him, and if you don't help him, he might _die_.'

Kendall's eyes widen fractionally. 'Is it that obvious?'

Did he not care that James is unconscious? 'No it isn't. Just to me. But please, _please, _just get him awake.'

Kendall bites his lip. Maybe he should really go. What if it was a trap? Jo looked panicky, even behind the smugness. 'Are you coming with me?'

She shrugs. 'Do you want me to?'

Kendall looks away, and she gets the message. 'Fine. I'm gone. But if he dies, I'm going to blame you.'

Kendall bites his lip again, worried. _If he dies, I might die too._

Kendall opens the door to the storage room, and his heart constricts when he sees James unconscious on the floor. He is breathing shallow breaths, and his lips are parted. Kendall crouches, and brushes the bangs out of his face.

What should he do? He thinks back to the CPU drill he did when he was nine. But all that was for if he was drowning.

Part of Kendall wants to place his lips against James', and the other part wants to throw a bucket of ice cold water on him, in repayment for what he had done to Phillip.

Kendall makes up his mind. His friends are more important than his personal desires. He gets up, takes a bucket from the corner of the room (probably the one that the janitors put the water in to mop), goes to the toilet, and filled it with water.

Then he goes back to the room, and, closing his eyes, dumps the water on James. The brunet moans, and his head rolls from side to side, but he didn't wake.

Kendall groans internally. He places the bucket back where he got it. What is he going to do now?

He crouches, and begins to lean towards James, his heart racing. When he is centimetres away from James' face, the idiot's eyes flew open and Kendall drew away quickly.

The brunet begins to sit up, rubbing his eyes, as Kendall looks at him awkwardly. 'What- What happened? Why am I so wet?'

'You almost died dude. I literally saved you life.'

James' eyes widen fractionally, and he quickly glances toward, if Kendall is guessing correctly, he glances toward his groin. Then he sighs in relief.

Kendall is confused. Maybe James has finally lost it.

James looks up at him, and, for a split second, Kendall sees a little boy who is scared of – what? Then it disappears and James's face is carefully blank.

'Did you really have to soak me with water?'

'Could you stop fucking complaining? A 'thank you Kendall for saving my life' would be nicer,' Kendall says irritated, but he can't get the image of scared James out of his head. Something is going on with James, and he is itching to find out what.

James rolls his eyes and gets up. 'Whatever.' His eyes widen fractionally. '_Shit. _Gotta go. TTYL.'

Kendall frowns as James speeds off out the room and down the hall.

_What the HELL?!_

_..._

James smelt it, before he felt it.

He is just standing there, admiring Kendall's beauty, when he smells the faint metallic odour. Confusion only lasted a second, when his boxers feel wet and warm.

_Fuck._

His eyes grow wide, and neon lights flash in his head.

'_Shit. _Gotta go. TTYL.'

Some other time, James would've slapped himself for using text language, but he had to get the fuck out of there. He races down the corridor to the bathroom, entering and flinging himself into a stall, shutting the door.

He looks down at his pants and saw a dark stain spreading. He feels like sinking to the floor and crying.

'James?'

James curses inwardly. Of course stupid Kendall had to follow him.

'James? I know you're there. Are you alright?'

James bites his lip. The blond is so nice to him. Did he really deserve the treatment James is giving him?

_No._

What would be the consequence of giving in to his desires for just a few minutes? James forces himself not to think about it. Maybe Kendall could help him.

He opens the door slowly, peeking out, his heart fluttering at the look of pure concern on Kendall's face.

'Can I talk to you?'

...

Kendall's mouth drops open when he sees James exit the bathroom, by his groin his pants looking dark with wet liquid.

James bites his lip, looking awkward. 'Look, it's not what it seems, Kendall. I didn't piss myself-' he looked down, looking back up, his eyes filled with... fear? 'Nor am I a transgender girl on her period.'

Despite the serious situation, Kendall can't help but snort at that ridiculous possibility. Oh, James isn't a girl, alright.

James' face crumples, and he turns away. 'Oh fuck this. Forget it Kendall. I'm better off killing myself.'

Then his eyes widen, like he didn't expect that to come out. Kendall raises his eyebrows. '_What_?'

'Nothing,' James says, stepping away from Kendall, and for the first time since he saw James _yesterday_, he witnesses the real James.

Kendall strides up to James, and places a hand on his cheek. 'Why don't you clean up, and then we'll talk, okay?'

_Why are you being nice to me?_ James wants to ask, but he is so captured by Kendall's eyes, that he swallows it.

...

'It's called Negli's Aplastic Anemia,' James says, looking across at Kendall, both of them sitting on the bathroom floor. Kendall raises his eyebrows questioningly.

'My immune system is attacking my blood cells. I'm-' James chokes, suddenly a wave of emotions washed over him. He feels like a burden is lifted off him, but still- he couldn't get it out. He couldn't say those words.

_I'm dying._

But Kendall's eyes darken as it dawns on him. 'James-' he breathed.

He reaches for James, his eyes suddenly filled with worry, but James jerks out of reach. 'Don't.' James says, fighting tears. 'Don't feel sorry for me when all I did to you in the past two days.'

'I don't think,' Kendall says, his eyes trained steadily on James. 'I don't think it matters when it's life and death.'

A rush of anger surges through James, anger towards Kendall, for being so nice to him, to himself, for being an ass. 'It does matter! It always matters! I'm fucking dying, Kendall, and all I can think about is-'

He stops short, breathing harshly, and Kendall turns to face him. 'All you can think about is what?' he says softly, and James gets up quickly.

'Stop, Kendall. Just stop it. You don't know me, you don't know my life. Do you even _care_ that I might die tomorrow? Do you-'

Kendall scrambles up to meet James. 'Of course I care! And you're not going to die, James! There has to be a way to fix it- or at least treat it.'

But James is already shaking his head. 'No. There isn't.'

Kendall gazes up at him. 'Don't you _want_ to live?'

James stares down at Kendall, and realizes that suddenly, he _did _ want to live, he wanted to live to be friends with Kendall, to learn more about him, to make him happy. To kiss him. To hug him.

But James would die eventually, and he didn't even want to know what would happen to Kendall.

'No,' he says softly, looking away. He had to make Kendall hate him again. He had to push Kendall away. He _had_ to.

'No I don't.'


	3. Chapter 3

**Honestly got a LOT of trouble with this chapter. It was so hard to write! But thanks to ****_Wynter-Solstice_****, who God has put on this earth to save me from myself, I finished :) Yay! Thanks to all reviewers! I know this chapter is kinda short compared to the others, but it just felt... right to end it there :P**

**Enjoy :)**

_Forget the fear, it's just a crutch, that tries to hold you back and turn your dreams to dust._- Unbreakable by Fireflight

The lake is shimmering, but its beauty is lost to Kendall. He sits there, staring off into space. For the past few hours, he was in that same spot, gazing, but not really seeing.

It is all because of what happened earlier today, with James. Kendall can't get out of his head the way James looked, broken, torn, confused, and when he'd said that he didn't want to live, Kendall felt like he'd just told the blonde that he (Kendall) was going to die, and he didn't care.

Kendall can't stop thinking about it, though. After telling his mom that he was going to the library, without any idea of where he was headed, he ended up by this lake. Night is covering the sky, slowly, and still Kendall couldn't keep his mind off James.

Why was James like that? Does he have a reason for acting like that?

Kendall doesn't know what to think anymore.

How do you help someone who doesn't want to live?

How do you help someone who's lost all reason for living?

...

Kendall walks into the school, his head down, wincing as the chatter of students adds to his pounding headache.

'Kendall!'

He groans internally as he hears his name being called. He ignores the person, but his name gets called again.

'Kendall,' a female voice says and when he looks up, he sees Camille there, smiling awkwardly at him. He can't believe the girl has the nerve to talk to him.

'What do you want?' The words come out harsher and colder than he expects, and she flinches, her brown eyes wide and nervous.

'Uh-,' she stutters before he can visibly see her gather the courage. 'Is it true?' At his questioning look, she elaborates, biting her lip. 'The rumours about you and James.'

'What rumors?' Kendall asks, his head spinning, all he really wants is to sit in a corner away from all these noisy animals. 'Who told you that?'

Now she _really_ looks nervous, and she's gnawing on her lip. 'J-James.'

Kendall twists his face in disgust. 'After what happened yesterday with Phillip, you're _still _talking to him?'

She looks away. 'I-'

Kendall ignores her. 'What are the rumours?'

She sighs. 'There's one that you two ditched class and fucked in the class. Another one is that you sucked his dick in his car.'

Anger settles over Kendall. How could James do that to him? That was just too low. Hurt blossoms inside of him, but mostly he just feels angry. So angry that he sees red. He swears that if he sees James Diamond today, he'll kill him. Slowly and painfully. _After_ he cuts off his dick.

He looks at Camille, and feels another wave of disgust at the girl. 'Believe whatever the fuck you want,' he says, and walks away.

He just makes up his mind, that, today; he's too tired to care about anything. Today is really not his day. He just needs to live through the day, and all will be well.

Hopefully.

...

Kendall slumps against his bedroom door, sighing in relief. He's lived. James didn't come today to school, and _no_, Kendall wasn't worried.

Because for the entire day, he's been getting winks and hoots from guys. Like _he's _the fucking whore.

As far as Kendall is concerned, James could fucking kill himself.

But somewhere deep inside of him, a part that he refuses to acknowledge, he knows that if James dies, a part of him will die also.

He flops on his bed, feeling so tired. He rolls over, thinking about what happened yesterday, after James' big revelation.

_'You can't mean that,' Kendall said, reaching up to touch James' cheek._

_Instead of leaning into his touch, James flinched away, an unknown emotion evident in his eyes. 'Don't fucking touch me. Unless you're going to fuck me.'_

_Kendall immediately drew his hand back. 'What the fuck is wrong with you, James? Can't you leave me alone for once?'_

_James raised an eyebrow. 'You're fucking prude aren't'cha?'_

_Kendall was fuming mad. 'I'm not a fucking virgin. But at least I'm not an attention-seeking whore.'_

... and then they began to yell at each other. There was a big fight, and it ended up with both of them storming off.

Kendall can't help it. James turns him on and gets him mad at the same time. He groans and buries his face in his hands.

Suddenly the doorbell echoes through the house, Mama Knight's voice following it.

'Kendall! Can you get that please!'

Kendall groans and slides off the bed, feeling like he has the world of troubles. He lopes down the stairs, and as he passes the bathroom, he realizes that his mother was taking a shower.

He sighs and opens the door. There is a pleasant looking woman, standing there with a smile on her face, flanked by-

'Logan? Phillip?' he says, shocked.

The smile on the woman's face falters a bit, into confusion, as she looks at Phillip. 'You know each other?'

Phillip nods, his mouth hanging open slightly. 'This is our good friend, Kendall, mom.' He squints at Kendall. 'What're you doing here?'

'What am _I _doing here?' Kendall laughs awkwardly. 'I live here. What are _you_ doing here?'

The woman sticks her hand out. 'I'm Mrs. Mitchell. You can call me Joanna.' She smiles at Kendall.

Kendall shakes her hand firmly. 'Come in,' he says.

Mrs. Knight appears after he shuts the door behind them, hair wet from her shower. 'Mom, this is Phillip and Logan, and their mother, Joanna.'

Joanna walks up to Mrs. Knight. 'I saw new neighbours move here, and we thought we'd like to greet them.'

Mrs. Knight smiles warmly. 'You can stay for dinner. Why don't you come and help me in the kitchen?'

As Joanna follows his mother into the kitchen, Kendall turns to the twins, an eyebrow raised curiously.

'So... what do you wanna do?'

* * *

James sits in the doctor's office, his finger tracing circles on the table, his leg bouncing like crazy.

_Don't you want to live? _He hears the voice as clearly in his mind as the moment they had been said to him.

_No. _He had replied, then why was he here? He spares a glance at the chair next to him. The papers mock him; laughing at his circumstance. It was only because of them that he sat there. His eyes burn and he forces himself to look away. _Not now._

The air conditioning vents are directly on him and for once, he didn't mind the biting cold that renders his extremities immobile. Anything to distract him… Anything to allow him to maintain his hold on his surroundings if only for a while.

The doctor returns, worry imprinted on his face.

'How are you, James?', the doctor asks, looking worriedly at the teen.

James suppresses the urge to strangle him, barely managing. He shrugs, moving his hands away from the doctor's sight and wringing them under the table. 'I fainted… twice. And if I lose any more blood…' he indicates to the bluish veins in his fore-arm. The doctor's eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. James holds down the rising nausea in his throat. He shouldn't have said anything.

The doctor picks up a piece of paper.

'We have a problem,' he says, and James scoffs.

'No shit,' he replies, rolling his eyes. After waking up almost covered in blood yesterday morning, there was no question in his mind that things were getting worse. Then, as he was getting ready for school in the bathroom, he blacked-out, waking only after his kind, considerate father dumped half a keg of beer on him telling him 'to git yuh lazy ass up because ah want to use thuh stinkin toilet'

Or that's how it sounded to James. He couldn't even look his father in the eye and tell him 'good morning'. His father didn't even know that he was dying. And even if he did, what would it matter? Telling him and not telling him had no differing consequence. What would he do? Offer sympathies? The time James had needed that was long gone. Offer to pay his medical bills? That he did, if only grudgingly so. James waited for choice moments to ask for it, when his father was in no state to ask why.

'Your red blood cell count is slowly deteriorating, James,' the doctor says, wisely choosing to ignore the brunet's insult. 'A little more time, and you'll be a goner.'

'I'm already a goner,' James says, so softly that the doctor doesn't hear him.

'Are you sure you don't have anyone who could consent to the operation, James? Does anyone you know have the same blood type as you do?'

James folds his arms and stands up. 'Shouldn't you ask instead if I have money for the operation?'

'James-' the doctor starts, but he cuts him off.

"You think it's so easy, don't you? I don't need sympathy. Never did, never will. And it doesn't matter. Not when your father hates you and you're fucking in love with a stupid blonde-' James eyes widens as he realizes what he just said. He wasn't _in love_ with Kendall... was he?

Without saying any more, he shoves the papers next to him towards the doctor. He stares wide-eyed at the boy for a couple of seconds before managing to say, 'What's this?'

James says nothing, eyes prodding his elder to read it.

Not knowing what else to do, he complies, and James hears the sudden inhalation of breath when the doctor realises what it contains.

When he finally puts it down, he surveys James in a different light. Fearful, almost, but not really. Saying that he was sorry was meaningless. It would never give the depth of emotion that he wished to extend to the boy.

'James…' he begins again, 'I don't know what to say. This…'

'Is my father's.'

'James, it's yours.'

'But it isn't for me, is it?' James retorts, his tone savage. 'Which father do you know sets up an insurance policy for his child's death? WHEN HE KNOWS NOTHING OF ALL THIS. The money I need, he would get if I die. And he doesn't care. He never did.'

_When_ he dies, not_ if_. It was as though his fate was sealed.

'When did you find this?'

'A while back.' He replies, not revealing any more than he should. His speech indicated finality… He was done. He pushes his chair back to leave.

'James, one question.'

He looks up, catching a look in the doctor's eyes that he had never seen before. Hope.

'Do you really believe that no one cares for you? The blonde you talked about? Does she love you too?'

_Idiot._ James whispers in his head. _Does she love you too?_ They always assume it had to be a girl, didn't they?

'I don't think so,' he whispers, and, taking a deep breath, he continues, 'Love isn't the simple matter of knowing someone. It's about understanding their flaws and weaknesses, and staying with them through it all. It's special… And I think I've lost my only chance at it.'

And biting back the tears, for real this time, James stands suddenly, and strides out of the office, out of the building… Just needing to feel free.

He needs to think, he needs to concentrate, he needs to breathe.

He needs to _live._

_..._

James is sitting on his bed, knees drawn up to his chin when he remembers.

He remembers the feeling he got when he used to _love_.

The butterflies he used to get in his stomach. The same butterflies he gets now as he thinks of Kendall.

When music made him wish that he was not alone.

He remembers when he was in love with –

_Crash_.

His head shoots up. Downstairs, he doesn't even need to see it, but he knows it's his drunken father trying to make his way through the house.

And James wishes, not for the first time, that his father will forget that he has a son.

He wishes that his father will forget that he exists for one night.

He wishes that his father will forget him so that he'll have one night free of pain.

One night free of beatings, crying, and suffering.

He hears his father drag himself up the stairs, and across the floor. The sounds stops outside James' bedroom, and the brunet freezes.

And then he hears him move on, the sigh of relief expelling from his lips.

His wish comes true.

For once.

**Sooo... how was it? I hope you liked it. Please review! What do you think is gonna happen to James?! **

**Chelzi xoxo (and Wynter :D)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Wow... it feels almost surreal to post a story... Sorry for the long wait, this took a while to get out :P Thanks for all the reviews, favs, and alerts. I love you all 3 **

**The long-ass quote near the end of the story is taken from The Sandman Vol. 9 by Neil Gaiman... The last quote is from Blow Me (One Last Kiss) by P!NK...**

_Art is a shadow of what a person is thinking... a small glimpse of what they hold inside. Little secrets, regrets, joys... every line has its own meaning. - _Sarah, Los Cerros Middle School, 1999.

Kendall smiles as he looks around his room that he painted just last night. A big 'Kendall' slashed across the wall with the door in silver shines brightly in the glowing sunlight. With an air of contentment, he walks out the door, and heads off to school.

As he walks through the front doors, the first thing he hears is his name being called loudly. He looks around to see Logan dragging Phillip behind him and running towards the blonde.

'Hey,' he says breathlessly, and Kendall smiles in response as Phillip tries to gather his wits.

'I have bad news,' Logan says, biting his lip and looking over at Phillip who nods him on. 'You do Literature, right?'

Kendall frowns and nods slowly, saying 'I have it this morning.'

Logan smiles wryly. 'So do I.'

'So what-'

'Ms. Dolby,' Logan interrupted, 'she pairs us off.'

'Great,' Kendall smiles enthusiastically. 'You can be my partner.'

'Except she chooses our partner. Usually she separates us into boys and girls, then arranges us in alphabetical order.' Logan pauses. 'In order of our first names.'

'Why-' Kendall starts, then stops, as realization dawns. 'Oh.'

'Yeah,' Logan says, looking sympathetically at him. 'James is usually my partner, but your name comes in between us, and since there is no one else new at the school... there is a huge chance you'll be paired off with him.'

Kendall sighs. He did_ not_ need this right now. James was going to _destroy_ his love for Lit.

...

'Gary, you're with Harold,' Ms. Dolby calls out.

Kendall drops his head into his hands, regretting every moment. He can feel James' eyes burning into his back.

'James you're with...' Ms. Dolby pauses as she writes something on her class list. 'Our new student, Kendall.'

Kendall heart drops. Whatever hope he was hiding that he wouldn't be paired with James, is suddenly lost.

He jumps as he feels a slap on his back and someone drags a chair and sits next to him.

'So... now we can fuck Romeo and Juliet style. _Oh yeah._'

...

It is just out of curiosity that Kendall follows James. As he rounds the corner to the bathroom, he stops short, hearing voices.

'What do you want, James?' a voice says that is not immediately familiar to Kendall.

'Kendall.' James' voice is hard, with a cutting edge to it.

'Blondie? Yeah, what's wrong with him?' The voice had gotten cool and crisp, almost as if just waiting to explode on James.

'You know he's my partner for Literature, right? And you-'

The rest of the sentence is cut off as a group of chattering students passed Kendall. He groans, and grips the concrete, listening intently.

'So what do you want me to do?' The voice sounded on the brink of anger. 'You've been a dick to him and to Phillip, and you want me to be _nice_ to you?'

There is silence, and when James speaks again, his voice is soft and barely-controlled. 'You owe me, Hor-'

There is a crack, which Kendall realized is a slap.

'I told you not to _ever_ call me that.'

Kendall's confused. What has just happened?

'Fine. But you owe me. And you know that.'

'For breaking up with you? It's your fault! You deserve it for being such a dickhole!'

'Please,' James says. 'I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. But just help me. Kendall _can't _be my partner.'

This time, it feels as if it's Kendall who's gotten the slap. He fights back the lump in his throat.

'Listen,' James says softly. 'If you change your name back to Hortense, then, we can be partners! It's that easy.'

Silence. Then laughter. 'So… _you_ expect _me _to change my name because you can't stand one boy? Hell no.'

There is a loud groan, and receding footsteps. A peek showed that James had left, and standing there, by himself, is Logan.

…

'Logan?' Kendall says softly, confusion flitting across his face. '_You're _ James' ex-boyfriend?'

'Yeah,' Logan says, shifting uncomfortably. 'Surprised?'

Kendall frowns, trying to get a grasp on this sudden change of events. 'But… He's such a _bitch_.'

Logan smiles softly, almost dreamy. 'He wasn't when I knew him. He was perfect. He had the most beautiful voice, he was so nice to everyone, he was too good to be true. I guess all good things do come to an end.'

Kendall sighs, thinking that the real James seems so much better than the one he knew. 'So why does he want me to hate him?'

Logan shrugs apologetically. 'I honestly don't know. If he has to hate anyone, it should be me.'

Kendall raises an eyebrow. 'What? Why?'

'Because... I broke his heart. '

Kendall freezes.

'He told me… he loved me, and everything was perfect until he changed. Then when I broke up with him, he was almost inconsolable. I felt terrible.'

Kendall sighs, looking away, almost feeling sorry for James. 'But his old self sounds so perfect. What went wrong?'

Logan shakes his head. 'I don't know. Only he does. All I know is that he used to have to visit the doctor regularly.'

And then Kendall realises. He knows why James was such a bitch.

But that doesn't explain why James was a bitch to _him_.

Does it even explain _anything_?

...

Kendall looks around, smiling, as he dips the paintbrush in the forest green paint again. This is his creation, his masterpiece that he was proud of. This is _his _room, not his bedroom, but the room that his mom gave him, and he can imagine himself just being _Kendall_, in this room.

The four walls are painted with beautiful scenery, ranging from a forest, to a lake to beautiful green meadow. He is so close to being finished, and he can feel the excitement building in him. It was almost perfect, especially since he was painting from imagination.

His mom's voice disturbs him, causing his paintbrush to slip a bit, but it isn't anything bad. 'Kendall! Your friend is here to see you!'

Kendall frowns. Why would Logan or Phillip be here to see him? He looks up at the wall, deciding to use up to his last minutes painting.

'Okay!' he yells back, eyeing the walls again. It is almost like his private lair. Like a VIP room. He grins and sticks out his thumb, smudging the petals of a flower, giving it scenic feeling.

He hears footsteps coming up the stairs, and groans. Dipping the paintbrush one more time, he swirls it around, all the flowers, making it look as if leaves were flying around.

Perfect.

He can't keep a goofy grin off his face. Whoa. He feels awesome. Nothing can dampen his mood now.

A soft knock comes on the door, and Kendall knows it's mainly because of the 'Keep Out Or Else' sign slashed with so much extra red paint, that it dripped down the door, giving it the desired effect.

'Coming,' he says, whistling softly to himself, looking at his paint-covered jeans, and bare chest, deciding that he didn't give a fuck. Logan didn't like him, and Phillip, well, he had his problems as well.

He opens the door, and- 'Whoa. That's beautiful.'

Kendall mouth drops open. James is standing there, a stunned look on his face as he stares past Kendall.

'_James?_ What the fuck are you doing here?'

Kendall hastily shuts the door behind him, leaning heavily on it.

'What am _I _doing here? Aren't we supposed to be working on the Literature shit for that woman?'

Kendall passes a hand over his face. Fuck. 'So what? Couldn't convince your _ex-boyfriend_ to help you out?'

Shock passes over James' face, disappearing quickly. 'No. But that same _ex-boyfriend_ told me where you live, so I guess I still won, huh?'

The mocking tone slices Kendall. First James sees his art, which he wasn't planning on _anyone_ seeing, now he's being his usual bitchy self. And Kendall thought that nothing would make him angry. Ha. He thought wrong.

'Whatever,' he mumbles, as he pushes past James, shivering as his bare chest rubs against the taller boy's arm.

He stalks over to the room, not sure whether he's angry at himself, or Logan, but he's _definitely_ sure he's angry with James.

He searches frantically in his drawer for a shirt, as James saunters up behind him. He jumps as he feels a finger trailing down his bare back.

'You could stay without a t-shirt if you want,' James says, and Kendall doesn't have to see him to know he's smirking. 'You look hot.'

Kendall straightens up and tries to shut off his mind to the deliberate compliment, but he could already feel the butterflies in his stomach, he could already feel his head spinning, and he feels like giggling and blushing. Hell no.

'Fuck you,' he hisses at James, grabbing a random t-shirt and pulling it on.

'That's what I've been trying to get you to do for the past week, but you're a stubborn prude.'

Kendall flushes, and frowns. 'I am _not_ a prude,' he starts off indignantly, but James ignores him and jumps on his bed.

'Nice shirt,' he comments, before lying on the bed, hands behind his head.

Kendall's head shoots down, glaring at his shirt which says, _It's not the size of the vector that counts, it's how you apply the force._

Kendall blushes a deep red. 'I was twelve when I got this shirt, okay? I thought it was talking about _math_!'

James grins, obviously enjoying seeing Kendall all flustered. The shirt is tight on Kendall, especially after five years, and James could see the blonde's nipples poking slightly out. He smiles to himself, and rips his gaze away from him.

'I like your room,' he says, and Kendall shrugs. 'You like to paint?'

Kendall smiles. 'I'm an artist. Of _course_ I like to paint, dickhead.'

James rolls his eyes. 'Let's do this shit quickly so I could go-', he stops abruptly, biting his lip.

Kendall sees the pain in his eyes, and his heart almost immediately softens toward the brunet. 'James?' he says softly, but James looks away.

Kendall sits on the bed, next to James, his body angled toward the brunet. 'Do you have to go to the hospital?'

After a painstakingly long minute, James nods, slowly. Kendall lies down slowly next to him, turning his head to James. 'Do you want me to go with you?'

James stares at him, his throat working. 'Why are you so nice to me?' he says, his voice surprisingly rough and raw. 'I've tried so hard to make you hate me, but you're still being nice to me. Why?'

'Why do I have to hate you?' Kendall whispers, wishing to touch James, but afraid of the reaction. 'I can't hate you, James. I don't _want_ to hate you. You're worth so much more than my hate.'

James covers his face with his hands. 'Kendall, please don't say things like that. You don't even know half of my life.'

'Do I need to? What I know of the _real_ you so far is perfect for me.'

'Kendall,' James sounds as if he's crying. 'I'm a whore. And I'm going to die within the next year. I'm not perfect for _anyone_.'

Whoa. Kendall grabs James' hands and pushes them forcefully away from his face, revealing a tear-streaked, red-eyed James. He cupped James' face in his hands. 'No matter how bitchy you are to me, no matter how idiotic you may act, James, _you are perfect for me_. Show me the real you, James. Why can't you let me in?'

He shudders, and it's almost as if his resolve is broken. He launches forward, and suddenly, he's kissing Kendall harshly, bucking his hips, running his hand through the blond hair. Kendall grabs him, and rolls on top of him, attaching his lips to James neck, forcing a moan out of the brunet. Kendall is in heaven, James's lips over his feel so perfect.

Their hips grind together, and James pulls Kendall closer, silently begging for so much that Kendall wants to give him. They roll over, and James is on top of Kendall, his hands running all over Kendall's body.

They pull away slightly, for air, gazing into each other's eyes, and James takes in Kendall's flushed face, his shining green eyes and ruffled hair, and all he could think about is how much he lov-

Fuck.

James pulls away quickly, running his hand through his hair, scrambling off Kendall. The blond props himself up on his elbows, looking confused. 'James?'

James looks down at his hands as if they'd betrayed them. Then slowly, he looks up at Kendall. 'I'm sorry,' he whispers. 'I have to go.'

'No… James- Wait!' Kendall says, scrambling off the bed, but James is already gone.

….

_Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love._

James closes the book slowly, biting his lip. He walks over to the window, and looks down. Past the roof, past the pipes, past the fence.

There are so many ways one could die. Jumping off a roof, running in front of a car, overdosing on pills, cutting their wrists, drowning themselves, or…

Or they could die this way.

James crouches on the windowsill, tears forming at the base of his eyes. He looks down at his trembling hands. Maybe he could've convinced himself that he couldn't feel anything anymore, but he'd be lying. Because there's one emotion that's rampant in his heart right now.

Fear.

His heart is racing, his head is pounding. If he's so afraid of dying, then why was he there?

And why did he have a gun in his hand?

He raises the hand slowly, to his head, looking over to the street, where he sees a group of children playing happily.

Why can't he be like them? Why can't he be like the lady sitting on her husband's lap in the porch, smiling at him lovingly?

Why can't he love anyone?

Then he sees his father in the yard, and it's like an invisible blow to his chest. He rocks back slightly, his hamstrings straining to keep him upright.

That's the reason, he thinks. The reason he can't seem to love anyone.

Because he never wants anyone to become like his father.

Because in his head, that's what love does to you. When the person you love the most dies, you turn out like his father.

Right?

The cold steel of the Colt 45 presses to his temple. Maybe his father should've returned the gun to his police partner. Maybe he should've called them and told them he may not ever return to work.

James doesn't care.

His finger slides onto the trigger, rubbing it slowly, contemplating.

He's a horrible person, to Kendall, to everyone. He's a whore. His father hates him, and abuses him. He doesn't deserve to live.

It's not as if he _would_ live, give or take.

He shuts his eyes, wondering absentmindedly where he's gonna fall. Maybe on a trashcan? Maybe on the lawn?

He wills back the tears that threaten to come.

Then, as he's ready to do it, a face flashes across his mind unwillingly.

Kendall.

Kendall touching him, Kendall kissing him, Kendall stroking his face. _Kendall_.

Doesn't Kendall deserve just one chance at seeing the real James?

_No matter how bitchy you are to me, no matter how idiotic you may act, James, you are perfect for me. Show me the real you, James. Why can't you let me in?_

Kendall's melodic voice.

James' hand falls to his side. His strength is gone. He can't do it anymore.

He jumps off the windowsill, resting the gun where he was crouching.

Just one day of being nice to Kendall.

He closes his eyes, and before he can stop it, a tear leaks out, down the side of his face.

_I've been crying, I've been dying over you, tie a knot in the rope, tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold, but there's nothing to grasp so I let go…_

**I really hope you guys liked it :$ Please review :) **

**Love,**

**CHelziXo**


	5. Chapter 5

**Guys, sorry for the horribly late update. I've had this chapter here forever... I don't know why I never updated it :\ ****Um, I translated all the French myself from my knowledge, so if it's wrong, I'm sorry :)**

**Huge thanks to future doctor, Wynter, for helping me with the doctor-y parts, and checking the French for me as well :) Merci beaucoup!**

* * *

"_To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." – __**Rollo May**_

* * *

He didn't know what woke him up, but there he is, awake in his room, unable to fall back asleep.

Then he hears it.

A footstep. Outside his bedroom. He freezes. It's heavy, so there's no way it could be his mother. That only meant one thing.

Someone was in the house.

Kendall forces himself to stay calm. His mother slept with earmuffs, so she would be safe. Maybe if he doesn't move then the person would just take what they wanted and leave.

Then -

A scream.

And a single gunshot.

Ice claws its way into Kendall's veins, his world shatters, crashing upon him.

_This is a dream. This is a dream. This is a dream. _This _had_ to be a dream.

He hears the door slam and he shoots out of the bed, racing over to his mother's bedroom. When he reaches there, she is gasping for breath, her hand over a wound that was sprouting blood.

'Oh God, mom.' Tears streams down Kendall's face. He moves her hand from the wound and sees the bullet lodged there. His mind working before his body could react; he races over to his mother's dresser and takes a tweezers, running back to her. He pulls out the bullet, and his mother gasps for breath.

'Breathe, mom, slow breaths. I'm going to call the ambulance.' He takes the blanket and pressed against the wound, taking his mother's bloody hand and commanding her to hold it in place.

He grabs the phone, a squeal of tires bringing his attention to the window, he races over there, seeing a car drive off, literally leaving a cloud of smoke in its wake. The car seems familiar, but before Kendall can wrap his head around it, the soft whimper of his mother brings him back to reality.

With trembling hands, he barely manages to call 911, talking to the operator there. Shock takes him over, and it's the second the police barges through the front door that he allows it to take control of him, and he faints.

…

Kendall groans, his eyes opening, before shutting immediately when he is temporarily blinded by an extremely bright light. Covering his face, and tilting his head a little to the side, he re-opens them, to see Logan and Phillip standing over him, worry etched on their faces.

"Kendall? Are you okay?"

Kendall moans again, pushing himself off the bed, and Logan helps him to get up. "What- Where am I?"

Phillip and Logan exchange quick glances, but even in his sleepy state, Kendall doesn't miss it. "What happened?"

He looks around his surroundings, taking in the heartbeat monitors, and paper curtains. "I'm in a hospital. Why am I- Oh _fuck_" He says, as he remembers what had happened. He looks up at them with wide eyes. "My mom, is she okay?" He panics, scrambling off the bed. "Where is she? I need to see her!"

"Kendall, your mom is in a stable condition. You can talk to the doctor afterwards, okay?" Logan says, a hand on Kendall's shoulder, restraining him.

Kendall turns back to face him with wide eyes. "After _what_?"

Phillip's eyes slide off Kendall to someone behind him. Kendall turns around to meet a man around his height, looking serious.

He reaches into his jacket pocket, and Kendall flinches involuntarily. He pulls out something from his pocket and holds it up.

"Kendall Knight, I am Officer Garcia from the MPD. I'd like to ask you some questions."

…

"And then I- I don't know what happened. Everything just went black." Kendall says, wiping tears from his cheeks.

Officer Garcia hands him a tissue. "Kendall, I will be checking in on you at your home on a daily basis, okay?" the officer asks, smiling sadly at the blond. "Before I go, Kendall, is there _anything_, anything at all that you could remember?"

Kendall bites his lip, before he remembers the car. "I saw the car… the car that the guy drove off in. It looked familiar- oh _shit_."

Kendall's eyes widens as he realizes whose car it was.

Un-_fucking _ -believable.

Kendall's head drops in his hands. He didn't even know what to think.

"Kendall, is there anything you want to tell me?"

Kendall nods numbly, not really seeing. "The car," he mumbles, so softly, that the officer had to lean forward.

"The car belonged to my dad."

...

Kendall didn't hate his dad.

Okay, maybe a little bit. But he refuses to think that his dad had anything to do with the shooting. He pushes all the thoughts out of his head, looking down at his mother. She looks pale, the heartbeat monitor beeping slowly.

The doctor comes in, and Kendall looks up. "How is she?" he asks him, heart in his throat.

The doctor fixes a peculiar gaze on the boy, and Kendall is struck by the care and concern that he sees there. "It's complicated," the doctor replies, choosing his words very carefully.

"No, it's not," Kendall retorts. "It's either she's going to get better, or she's not."

The doctor lets out a short, mirthless laugh. "That's what we'd all like to think, wouldn't we. But things are rarely ever that simple. Come," he indicates the open door, "Let's go for a walk. Your mother needs the silence."

Kendall nods and follows the doctor outside.

"Are you an only child?" the man asks.

"Yeah," Kendall says slowly, "I live with my mother."

The doctor breaks his glance away from the boy, and sighs. "Mr. Knight…"

"Call me Kendall," the blond cuts him off, wincing slighting at the sound of his father's name.

"Okay then, _Kendall_," the man continues, "There is no easy way to say this."

"She's not dying, is she?"

"Well, in broader terms, everyone's dying."

Kendall is tempted to pound something against the concrete walls, particularly the doctor's head.

"But no. The bullet wound will not kill her."

Kendall breathes a sigh of relief, but is then put on guard. "There's more to this, isn't there?"

He meets the boy's gaze directly and they stop in the middle of a corridor. All around, Kendall hears the sounds of nurses bustling around, some side-stepping him to get to their respective wards, but all he cares about is the here, and now.

"The bullet did not get very far in, probably because the gunman shot her from a distance, hence the reason you were able to remove it without surgical apparatus, but it did damage some lung tissue."

"But that can heal, right?"

"And that's entirely the problem. There's an eighty percent chance that she can develop something known as interstitial lung disease."

"Which is…?" Why couldn't doctors speak English?

"It's the progressive scarring of lung tissue, and it eventually affects the body's ability to breathe and get enough oxygen into the bloodstream. It's irreversible. So if it happens, the most we can do is slow it down."

"What's my twenty percent?"

"She heals normally. But, the metals that comprise bullet casing are generally never sanitary. To hope would be a shot in the dark. Possible, but highly improbable."

They sink into an uncomfortable silence, and Kendall is just about to take his leave when the doctor speaks up again.

"There's something else you should know. When she's admitted back home, try to keep her calm and relaxed. Once the blood flows normally in her body, healing should take its natural course. We're pumping her with antibiotics to prevent infection, and maybe… maybe things would work out for the best."

The doctor rests an arm on Kendall's shoulder, internally debating whether to tell him about the risk of right-sided cardiac failure, or the pulmonary hypertension, but he thinks better of it.

Kendall was only a boy. He had enough to deal with as it was.

* * *

-The Next Morning-

"Are you sure you want to go to school, Kendall?" Logan asks the blond, who's currently lying in his bed, hands covering his face.

"Arrête de me demander si je vais à l'école, Logan !" Kendall snaps at Logan, who looks at him, confused.

"What did you say?" Logan asks, but before Kendall could respond, Phillip's voice enters the room.

"He said to stop asking if he's going to school, Logan," Phillip says, leaning against the doorframe.

Kendall sits up, wincing. "I'm sorry Logan. I only speak French by mistake when I'm very emotional or there's a lot on my mind."

Logan sighs, rubbing Kendall's back. "You need to stop worrying so much, Kendall. Your mom's gonna be fine."

Kendall shakes his head. "I know... I guess it's just how the police think it's my dad…"

"Don't worry, Kendall, we'll be with you until your mom comes back and whoever did this, the police is gonna catch them, okay?"

Kendall nods. He didn't want to risk saying anything else… or _feeling _anything else.

...

Truth is, Kendall _can't_ stop worrying. He gnaws at his lip the minute he walks into the school, eyebrows furrowed.

And his day doesn't get any better when he sees James walking towards him. He immediately groans, slipping on his shades, because he really doesn't need the brunet asking him why he looked so tired.

"Kendall, hey-"

"_Not_ right now, James," Kendall growls out, and James looks surprised.

"I just wanted to say... I'm sorry, Kendall." James looks at Kendall, eyes big and innocent. There was something different about him, but Kendall couldn't place it exactly.

"We've been through this already, James," Kendall says between clenched teeth. "I'm not falling for yo- _that_ again."

"Kendall, listen. I need to tell you something," James said, as though he hadn't picked up on Kendall's slip of tongue.

The blond flashed him a look of chagrin, and then pushed passed him. "I can't deal with this right now," he whispered, "Je suis désolé."

…

Kendall's day wasn't going all that bad. His Math teacher put off the pop quiz, his Bio teacher was absent. The rest of subjects, practically unimportant. He had enough time to think, and strangely enough, he's feeling even worse now. He's been trying to convince himself that no, his father would never do such a thing.

But right now? He's not so sure.

Kendall's a generally happy person. Sure he's had a bad past, so what? That was the _past_. But since his mom got shot, he wasn't so sure anymore. He walks into his (last?) class of the day. He's so out of it. His entire day's been a blur, he's been so zoned out the entire day.

Now he has Music, and he just wants to get the class over with.

He takes a seat in the back of the auditorium, slumping down in his seat, wincing as the lights flare on. James is sitting in front of him, and it takes all of Kendall's dignity and pride to not lean forward and sniff his hair.

"Singing."

Kendall jumps as the music teacher's voice booms throughout the audit. He sighs, and rubs his eyes. He feels tired, but he can't stop his mind from running over everything that had happened in the past two days.

"Singing is a form of music itself. It's a talent which a lot of people have, and –"

Kendall zones out, going back to his little world, worrying, and worrying about his mother, his father, and everyone in between.

"Who wants to show off their musical talent?" The music teacher asks, looking around. Everyone the room, it seemed, had just stopped listening to the guy's rant about singing.

He searches the room for any takers and lands _coincidentally_ on Kendall. "Students, who else is there better than the son of one of the best singers to show us his talent?" He says excitedly, holding out the bag with the names of songs to sing.

Kendall groans, pushing himself off his chair, walking up on the stage, practically glaring at the music teacher. What's that guy's fucking problem?! He sticks his hand in the bag, pulling it out.

He unfolds it, his heart skipping a painful beat when he sees what's inside.

_Any song by Brennan Knight _

He looks at the music teacher with wide eyes. He can't do this, not now, not here. He's on the verge of suffering a mental breakdown. He looks around the classroom, meeting James' eyes.

Somehow, James read the panic betrayed in them, and _somehow_, he understands.

He stands up, raising his hand. "I'll do it," he says, and Kendall literally feels like crying with relief.

The music teacher looks over at James. "Are you sure, Mr. Diamond? I mean, you have the doctor's note-"

"I _said_ I'll _do it_," James says with gritted teeth, and it's more like he's fighting with himself, than with the teacher.

"Okay, James. If you want to."

James nods, picking the note from Kendall's hand. When he reads it, his eyebrow furrows, almost as if he can't understand why Kendall won't want to do a song by his dad.

But yet still, he walks up on stage, stuffing his hands in his pocket.

And, for the first time in _months_, James sings.

He's rusty at first, but his voice evens out, and it's filling the auditorium, mesmerising the students sitting there.

_Tell me what's going on_

_I know there's something_

_On your mind and_

_Can you just open up? _

His eyes are closed, but when he opens them, he's singing straight to Kendall. Kendall stares at him, almost as if he's a dream come true.

_Do you feel out of love?_

_Is somebody tryin' to hurt you?_

_You know I'll never let that happen_

_They must be out of their mind_

Kendall swallows, hard. Maybe James has changed. But in one week? It seemed highly unlikely, but something must have happened to the brunet. Kendall's eyes lock with James', wondering why the brunet never sang more often, and how someone could sound _so_ emotional and heartbreaking at the same time.

_'Cause you are the sunshine_

_That makes my day_

_And I won't let them take that away_

_I'll be your hero who's standing strong_

_Who protects you from any fight_

_And if your battles are piling on_

_I will take them on with all my might_

And suddenly, the reality of life hit Kendall. Hot tears begins to spill down his cheeks, and when James sees this, he falters, just for a second, but they're still in eye-lock, and James' voice rises and if anything, gets stronger.

_Cry your tears on my shoulder_

_You don't know what the future holds_

_So I'll be your personal soldier_

The emotions rise in Kendall, and memories start to flash back, memories of him telling his dad that he was gay, and his father asking him if he was really gay or if he was trying to cover up the fact that he had AIDs.

And worse memories, memories where his father would slap his mother senseless during their fights.

Memories that Kendall keeps stowed away for a _reason_.

He gets up out of his seat, and runs outside, not knowing where he's going, but eventually he just sinks to the ground, hugging his knees, crying. He can't remember the last time he cried this much, actually, he could. That was when his father punched his mom and knocked her out.

He shakes his head. He doesn't need this now. He needs to be strong for his mom, who's barely clinging on to her life.

He hears his name being shouted, and looks up, seeing James running towards him, kneeling on the ground.

"Kendall?" he asks, resting a hand on his arm. "What's wrong? What did I do?"

Kendall could feel the heat of James' hand radiating through the thinness of his shirt, but he wants to be alone. James being here isn't going to help anything.

He frowns, speaking rapidly, without thinking. "Je ne fais pas temps pour toi, James ! Ma mère a reçu un coup de feu et la police, elle pense que mon père l'ait fait! Je suis de mauvaise humeur. Tu me quitte seul, s'il te plaît !"

James blinks a few times before swallowing quickly. "Um, Kendall..." It was really hard to feel bad for what he did, when he didn't _know_ what he did.

Kendall's head snaps toward him, green eyes blazing furiously, tears pooled at the bottom of them, and even with what seemed to be a permanent frown etched on his face, he still looked like the most beautiful person ever.

"Quoi?!" Kendall growls at him, and if James didn't think he sounded absolutely _adorable_ speaking French, he would've been scared.

"You're... um...", he scratches the back of his head awkwardly. Did Kendall forget how to speak English? "You're... You're speaking _Français_," he said, throwing in his famous French accent, just in case Kendall didn't understand him.

Kendall's eyes widen, and he mumbles, "Oh _shit_," before burying his head in his hands again.

James moves to sit next to him. "Kendall? Are you okay?"

Kendall shakes his head into his hands, palms pressing against his eyes, before looking up. "I don't know," he whispers.

"Well how about you translate what you just said?" James says, wrapping a hand around Kendall's shoulders.

Kendall sighs, and when he speaks, he sounds resigned. "My mom was shot and the police think my dad did it."

"Oh my God," James breathes, shocked. "Is she okay?"

Kendall shakes his head slowly. "The doctor thinks that she may develop some sort of lung disease."

James heart skips a beat. He knows what it's like to lose a mother, and he didn't want that to happen to Kendall. "I hope she gets better, Ken," James says, caressing the blonde's cheek.

Kendall's eyes widen at the nickname, green eyes looking lost and innocent. He sighs. "I hope so too."

There was silence, before: "That's _all_ you said?" James says, sounding amazed. "Wow, I am a _horrible_ French student."

Kendall glares at him, but the brunet could see the corners of his mouth twitching as if he wanted to smile. "I also said that I'm in a bad mood, and I want you to leave me alone."

James raises an eyebrow. "You're not getting rid of me that easily, especially not now."

Kendall looks down, deep in thought. "James..." he says, looking thoughtful and somewhat suspicious. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

James sighs, running a hand through his hair, messing up the neat hairstyle. "I just realized... it's not fair to you, Kendall. I'm not being fair to you. I... I guess I'm sorry for everything I've done to you."

There was something in James' eyes, something deep and sorrowful, something that Kendall couldn't place. "James-"

James shakes his head, standing up, stretching out his hand. "Don't worry too much, Kendall. C'mon. We're going to go the bowling alley and we'll buy their shitty tasting pizza and we'll hit down some pins and feel awesome about it."

Kendall grimaces. "James. I don't even know how to bowl."

James shrugs, a smile spreading across his face. "I guess it won't hurt to learn, would it?"

"James, I would really like to sit here and be depressed, thank you," Kendall says, wrapping his hands tighter around his knees.

James groans. "In all my time on this earth," he says, sliding his hands under Kendall's body and lifting him up. "I've never met someone as stubborn as you."

He throws Kendall over his back, ignoring the pounding that the blond was giving him. "You're going to have fun. As-tu confiance en moi."

Kendall's eyes widen. French-speaking James sounds like pure _sex_. He swallows quickly. "For a terrible French student, you actually got that statement correct."

Kendall could literally feel James roll his eyes. Suddenly, James stops, dropping Kendall to his feet. Kendall teeters, for a minute, before regaining his balance.

He looks up, frowing. "What the fuck-", he says, stopping short when he sees James face. He's pale and he's clutching his stomach tightly.

"James-"

"Kendall... I'm not feeling well... I think-"

He doesn't get to finish his sentence as he slumps into Kendall's arms.

* * *

**French translations (I know I translated some in the story, but I'm putting all here):**

Arrête de me demander si je vais à l'école, Logan ! – Stop asking me if I'm going to school, Logan!

Je ne fais pas temps pour toi, James ! Ma mère a reçu un coup de feu et la police, elle pense que mon père l'ait fait! Je suis de mauvaise humeur. Tu me quitte seul, s'il te plaît ! – I don't have time for you, James! My mom got shot, and the police, they think that my father did it! I'm in a bad mood. Leave me alone, please!

As-tu confiance en moi. – Have faith in me

**Um... review please? **

**xoxo Chelzi & Wynter**


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